The Ringing of the Bell...

Written by Holly Hampton (edited version published in the Divorce Magazine June 2011 edition)

At home and alone one Sunday afternoon in November shortly after my husband moved out, I was enjoying the peace and quiet of some relaxing weekend time to myself when the doorbell rang.  When I opened the door to see my husband standing before me, it finally occurred to me that we really were separated and heading for a divorce.  My husband, who lived in this house several years until a few weeks ago, just rang the doorbell of our own home. 

As I ponder all of the events that have transpired throughout the course of our twelve year marriage, I am actually surprised we made it this far as husband and wife.  I am not, however, surprised we are still friends and enjoy each other’s company.

The ubiquitous signs that our marriage was in trouble were there from the very beginning.  Before we had children, both of us were entrenched in flourishing careers and without the need to discuss things, it was understood that our professional lives came first.  It was a non-issue. 

I could cite countless examples of the low priority we both placed on our relationship.  I left town, the day after our wedding to attend a company sales meeting.  We both agreed that we didn’t have time to take a honeymoon.  Not surprising, we never made time for that honeymoon.  Either my husband or I traveled at least half of the time we were married for one of many professional opportunities.  We both happily accepted promotions and elevating career moves which drove us to move to 6 different cities and a dozen locations in 7 or 8 years.  Needless to say, we lived out of storage units and boxes for the majority of the time we’ve been married.

Things changed drastically once we had our two children.  While the kids came first, we got smarter about managing our time and logistics such that, for the most part, we could both maintain a significant focus on our professional lives.  Unfortunately for us, this meant we spent less time together and reduced the priority on our relationship even further. 

Many events have transpired between then and now which have led us to where we are today.  Later today though, when my husband and children come home for dinner, as they usually do after having spent the weekend at his place, the doorbell will ring.  I wonder what my husband will feel when he rings the bell of the home where he once lived.  Nevertheless, with that ring, I will be reminded once again that my wakeup call came too late.

If you happen to be struggling in a relationship with your spouse or partner, consider for a moment what it would be like for them to ring your doorbell for Sunday dinner.  Would you prefer them use their key?