Written by Holly Hampton
I recently read that one of the first things people think when being told someone is getting a divorce is “who cheated?”.
This came as a surprise to me, though I’ve often been accused of being naïve. Reading this provoked mixed feelings. Part of me wanted to jump up and down stomping on my soapbox and evangelize with a bullhorn about how some people can simply grow apart emotionally after years of spending most days (and, more importantly, nights) apart and basically manage their lives like a professional project (requirements, scope, resources, timeline, completion) while still loving one another. The other part of me thinks I should have known all along that “who cheated?” is what people were thinking when I told them.
How stupid am I??? Let’s face it, how many friends, neighbors, colleagues or acquaintances do we know that have had an affair at some point in their lifetime? How many Vegas conference stories have we heard???
For the record, I did not cheat. To my knowledge, my husband did not cheat. Or, as our therapist says, “no one stepped out on the marriage”.
I wonder how many people I’ve told that my husband and I were getting a divorce asked themselves “who cheated?”? While I understand that our situation is quite unique and we are in the minority, I still find it somewhat insulting.
I know firsthand that it’s easy to get caught up in the negativity that arises in our day to day lives and that it’s difficult for people to believe that our family is getting along just fine. But it’s harder to be the odd man out sharing a positive (or at least optimistic) comment among a crowd of naysayers. I wish more people would at least, for a second, consider the positive possibilities - as opposed to immediately thinking “who cheated?”.
As recently as a few months ago, I met an extremely kind, caring and lovely woman whose spouse cheated on her after 30 years of marriage which ultimately led to their divorce. Within 10 minutes of meeting her, we were both disclosing sensitive details about our marriages. When I told her the skinny about my situation, I honestly don’t believe she was wondering who cheated. She listened intently and gently offered feedback. I found comfort in the open dialog and did not, in any way, feel as though she was uncomfortable or judging me. It’s nice to know that there are still people in the world who are confident enough about who they are and care enough about others to engage in this type of discussion with such an open, supportive and healthy dialog.
On that note, I offer an apology to those friends and colleagues I talk with regularly. I’ve essentially forced them into this type of dialog because it’s what I need to deal with things transpiring at home effectively. For some of my friends, this came easy. For others, it was clearly outside their comfort zone but my relentless quest for discussion finally wore most of them down. I believe those who stretched a bit care enough about me and my children enough to engage in the difficult conversations. Of course there remain those who still live in the age of shame and have only negative things to say about divorce and/or constantly judge me in silence or through passive aggressive behavior.
I am passionate about conveying perspective about our very civilized separation and divorce process and think it can provide inspiration for others in our situation.
Of course, this is not easy. I just try to remind myself that we are doing whatever we can to preserve the innocence of our children. It's not about me anymore. It's about my kids.
If you’re the type of person who wants the short answers, you won’t find them here. But if you are one of those bottom line people and happen to be mentally scrolling through your multiple list of choices of why my husband and I are getting divorced despite all the positive things I’m saying about the cordial approach we are taking to separation and divorce, you can eliminate cheating from your list of options and we’ll tackle the others later.
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