The Ringing of the Bell...

Written by Holly Hampton (edited version published in the Divorce Magazine June 2011 edition)

At home and alone one Sunday afternoon in November shortly after my husband moved out, I was enjoying the peace and quiet of some relaxing weekend time to myself when the doorbell rang.  When I opened the door to see my husband standing before me, it finally occurred to me that we really were separated and heading for a divorce.  My husband, who lived in this house several years until a few weeks ago, just rang the doorbell of our own home. 

As I ponder all of the events that have transpired throughout the course of our twelve year marriage, I am actually surprised we made it this far as husband and wife.  I am not, however, surprised we are still friends and enjoy each other’s company.

The ubiquitous signs that our marriage was in trouble were there from the very beginning.  Before we had children, both of us were entrenched in flourishing careers and without the need to discuss things, it was understood that our professional lives came first.  It was a non-issue. 

I could cite countless examples of the low priority we both placed on our relationship.  I left town, the day after our wedding to attend a company sales meeting.  We both agreed that we didn’t have time to take a honeymoon.  Not surprising, we never made time for that honeymoon.  Either my husband or I traveled at least half of the time we were married for one of many professional opportunities.  We both happily accepted promotions and elevating career moves which drove us to move to 6 different cities and a dozen locations in 7 or 8 years.  Needless to say, we lived out of storage units and boxes for the majority of the time we’ve been married.

Things changed drastically once we had our two children.  While the kids came first, we got smarter about managing our time and logistics such that, for the most part, we could both maintain a significant focus on our professional lives.  Unfortunately for us, this meant we spent less time together and reduced the priority on our relationship even further. 

Many events have transpired between then and now which have led us to where we are today.  Later today though, when my husband and children come home for dinner, as they usually do after having spent the weekend at his place, the doorbell will ring.  I wonder what my husband will feel when he rings the bell of the home where he once lived.  Nevertheless, with that ring, I will be reminded once again that my wakeup call came too late.

If you happen to be struggling in a relationship with your spouse or partner, consider for a moment what it would be like for them to ring your doorbell for Sunday dinner.  Would you prefer them use their key?

No, Neither of Us Cheated

Written by Holly Hampton

I recently read that one of the first things people think when being told someone is getting a divorce is “who cheated?”.  

This came as a surprise to me, though I’ve often been accused of being naïve.  Reading this provoked mixed feelings.  Part of me wanted to jump up and down stomping on my soapbox and evangelize with a bullhorn about how some people can simply grow apart emotionally after years of spending most days (and, more importantly, nights) apart and basically manage their lives like a professional project (requirements, scope, resources, timeline, completion) while still loving one another.  The other part of me thinks I should have known all along that “who cheated?” is what people were thinking when I told them.

How stupid am I???  Let’s face it, how many friends, neighbors, colleagues or acquaintances do we know that have had an affair at some point in their lifetime?  How many Vegas conference stories have we heard??? 

For the record, I did not cheat.  To my knowledge, my husband did not cheat.  Or, as our therapist says, “no one stepped out on the marriage”.

I wonder how many people I’ve told that my husband and I were getting a divorce asked themselves “who cheated?”?  While I understand that our situation is quite unique and we are in the minority, I still find it somewhat insulting.

I know firsthand that it’s easy to get caught up in the negativity that arises in our day to day lives and that it’s difficult for people to believe that our family is getting along just fine.  But it’s harder to be the odd man out sharing a positive (or at least optimistic) comment among a crowd of naysayers.  I wish more people would at least, for a second, consider the positive possibilities - as opposed to immediately thinking “who cheated?”. 

As recently as a few months ago, I met an extremely kind, caring and lovely woman whose spouse cheated on her after 30 years of marriage which ultimately led to their divorce.  Within 10 minutes of meeting her, we were both disclosing sensitive details about our marriages.  When I told her the skinny about my situation, I honestly don’t believe she was wondering who cheated.  She listened intently and gently offered feedback.  I found comfort in the open dialog and did not, in any way, feel as though she was uncomfortable or judging me.  It’s nice to know that there are still people in the world who are confident enough about who they are and care enough about others to engage in this type of discussion with such an open, supportive and healthy dialog.

On that note, I offer an apology to those friends and colleagues I talk with regularly.  I’ve essentially forced them into this type of dialog because it’s what I need to deal with things transpiring at home effectively.  For some of my friends, this came easy.  For others, it was clearly outside their comfort zone but my relentless quest for discussion finally wore most of them down.  I believe those who stretched a bit care enough about me and my children enough to engage in the difficult conversations.  Of course there remain those who still live in the age of shame and have only negative things to say about divorce and/or constantly judge me in silence or through passive aggressive behavior.  

I am passionate about conveying perspective about our very civilized separation and divorce process and think it can provide inspiration for others in our situation. 

Of course, this is not easy.  I just try to remind myself that we are doing whatever we can to preserve the innocence of our children.  It's not about me anymore.  It's about my kids.

If you’re the type of person who wants the short answers, you won’t find them here.  But if you are one of those bottom line people and happen to be mentally scrolling through your multiple list of choices of why my husband and I are getting divorced despite all the positive things I’m saying about the cordial approach we are taking to separation and divorce, you can eliminate cheating from your list of options and we’ll tackle the others later.

Why would I want to expose our divorce warts?

Written by Holly Hampton


Why in the world would I want to expose my family’s extremely personal separation and divorce experience? I still don’t have a convincing answer to that question yet but the ugly stuff comes to mind first and makes me think of many reasons NOT to disclose our flaws.

1. It’s scary
2. It’s embarrassing
3. People will judge us
4. People will publicly trash us
5. I’m afraid of what our families, friends and colleagues will think
6. I’m afraid of the consequences of everything above

However, as I try to shove those reasons under a rug for a while, as some of us southern women typically do, I see several stronger reasons to welcome people into our little divorce rollercoaster which seem to overshadow what’s currently under the rug.

1. It’s therapeutic
2. Documenting things may help my children understand more about what we were thinking as they get older, smarter and have more specific questions
3. The cordial and civilized approach we are taking to separation and divorce and the results thus far seem to be fairly unique – or at least rare
4. I hope it will be helpful for others
5. It will help me channel the energy in a constructive manner as opposed to channeling it towards vodka


THE TIPPING POINT - “SHUT UP AND BLOG ABOUT IT”

The “quit your bitchin’" and just blog about it mantra came a few weeks ago during a dinner meeting with colleagues. One of the individuals at the meeting told a sad story about a working woman who has recently been diagnosed with a terminal illness and very little time to live. This woman has worked for her company as long as she can remember and they suggested she take the time she has left and do the things in life she enjoys. To everyone’s surprise, the woman has no desire to do anything but work. She has no hobbies, outside interests or projects and wants to work at the same job until she passes because that’s her most comfortable environment. That’s what did it for me. I have no real hobbies. I have very few non-career interests and have, by virtue of my career, my husband’s career, my children and all that their activities entail, isolated myself from most of the friends I once enjoyed. The more I thought about the dinner conversation, the more energized I became about documenting our story and sharing it with whomever wanted to hear about it. For better or worse, here it comes...

Throughout the course of sharing the ups and downs of our rollercoaster separation and inevitable divorce, I will attempt to accurately, fairly and objectively convey the things our family has been challenged with and the path we’ve taken in an attempt to resolve each of the problematic, though at times very funny, issues. I realize that there are always at least two sides to every story - and I am telling only one of those. However, my husband will be sharing his views on either the topics of discussion I raise – or others as he sees fit – without any editing from me (an extremely scary component of this whole project, by the way). No matter how frightening it is to me, I believe this will accomplish several things.

1. It will keep me honest
2. My husband will correct me if I’m wrong about something or misstate a fact
3. My husband will share perspective I may not have considered
4. I hope the two of us working together will underscore the message that people CAN work together in a positive and healthy way while separated, untangling their lives or proceeding with divorce for the love of their children (or just to be kind)

I believe our ability to work together in a cordial and civilized manner is rooted by the fact that we both, by far, love our children more than anything else and will always put their needs above our own.

Cordial and Civilized Divorce - is there such a thing?

I continue to hear that managing a divorce from beginning to end while remaining civil towards one another is absolutely impossible. I've heard some of the most outrageous divorce stories but I believe the most unique is my own (though I'm sure everyone in this situation believes that). My husband and I are currently in the process of a very civilized and sometimes quite friendly divorce. I am compelled to share the events that have transpired in our lives to keep the peace to this point with the hopes of seeing it through to the end in the same manner. Countless hours of research, therapy and staring at the ceiling have contributed to our positive status and I hope this forum provides fresh perspective and humor for others.